15 October 2011
If anyone were reading this, they’d assume that I’d given up
altogether on the thought of losing weight and being obedient. There have been moments I’ve considered doing
that, but here I am, its Day 6, and I’m still moving right along. It’s not easy, though, as my absence from
this journal attests, but I’m hoping that as I gain a new confidence, I will
write more frequently.
Progress so far: It
all began at the startling weight of 283.
It’s not that I’ve not been here before, I’ve been much further up the
scale, but after enjoying a stable weight at 262 for a long time despite what I
ate, the 20 lb gain is very disappointing.
My interim goal is 262 by the time I get back to Dr. Santos, and that
gives me about a month, a daunting goal.
Today, I stepped on the scale and it told me 277. Now, even in my strongest denial, I know that
no one loses six pounds in six days, but one day of semifasting, my bout of
intestinal distress yesterday and a lot of water loss may contribute to
this. I’m thankful, and it answers my
prayers for immediate encouragement, but I’m realistic to know that this pace
will not continue, at least not without a lot of whimpering and work. But I’m not one to look a gift horse in the
mouth, so I’ll rejoice in the loss.
Where Do I Go From
Here?
Here’s what I’ve learned so far: The beginning of a “diet” causes me to think
about food all the time. I think about
past successes and failures, and I think about every last little thing that
would be delicious on my tongue. I’ve
run through just about every excuse that I’ve made in the past to justify eating
something that I shouldn’t. This tape of
food preoccupation has been running like a loop for the past six days. I’m not sure when this stops, and in fact,
I’m not sure that it ever does stop permanently. When I quit smoking, the smoking tape ran only
for a short while and now only runs infrequently when triggered by familiar
scenarios. When I “extreme” dieted many,
many years ago, the food tape ran constantly until the end. New eating habits
never became automatic, and it was a daily struggle for the nine months I
dieted. I was an even more disobedient,
faithless person then, so I can only hope that my desire to be disobedient and
faithful will allow me to stop the tape.
I can’t hope for permanent success until I can learn to stop the tape.
I realize the need to commit to exercise, and have all that
I need to accomplish this – gym membership and home weights and bands. This is needed both to regain some of the
progress I’ve made in two courses of physical therapy, and to tone up my body
as the weight comes off. I’ve never been
particularly disciplined in this, but I know it needs to be done.
It has been suggested to me by one of my sisters that taking
regular measurements helps show progress and encourages as well. I’ve never done that, and abhor the thought,
but perhaps I’ll try that, too. It’s
fall, and it has gotten chilly in the house ~ the thought of shedding my
clothes to accomplish this is daunting, but I guess I have to take off my
clothes some time. A tape measure in a
convenient, logical location may be a good idea.
Fasting ~ now there’s an interesting topic. I never really
understood the meaning or necessity of fasting from a spiritual point of view,
and only began to think about it when I came to Armitage Baptist
Church. I researched it to determine in my own mind
if it was of spiritual validity, and concluded that it was. I began attempting fasting when we had the
Wednesday prayer group, fasting for a partial day from the evening before to
the conclusion of prayer, and then would eat a regular dinner (which to no
surprise of any weight-battling woman became a dinner extravaganza to
compensate for the sacrifice ~ just a little short of the concept). I think my initial attempts were of the
spirit being willing but the flesh weak, then became like the Pharisees for
show, and finally evolved into a spiritually personal way of sharpening my
awareness through sacrifice of the presence of the Holy Spirit, and the need
for God in whatever burden I was carrying at the time. This week, I successfully fasted from
Wednesday evening through Thursday 10 PM to prepare for prayer Thursday night,
and accomplished that without temptation or even stomach pains. I even managed to make myself a small frozen
dinner when I came home without binge compensating. Some would warn against
fasting for a diabetic, and some would warn that fasting would actually slow
the metabolism, but I am willing to separate the spiritual need from my
nutritional needs, allowing for regular checking of blood sugars during the
fasting period, and accepting the metabolism slowdown. I’ll let God look after the rest.
Observation for the week:
I do very well at the beginning of the day, coasting through breakfast
to lunch fairly securely and rationally and most of all, obediently. I’m checking my sugars regularly again, and
praying that the level will drop as I progress.
Most of the time, I’m at 140 or below, but I need to make that all of
the time. By lunchtime, I’m already
plotting my departure from this whole effort, and as the day turns to evening,
I’m nearly frantic about it. Last night,
it came down to a single slice of bread with a dab of peanut butter at 8:30 to
shut myself up. I must mention, though,
that I did escape the call to popcorn, pudding and raiding my son’s caches for
candy bars and goodies. I will pay
careful attention to what is triggering this.
* Lord, help to see Your desire for my success at this,
and to repent of my disobedience and
stubbornness. I know that as You love me, You only desire
the best for me. Help me to clean up
this temple and make it a pleasing dwelling place for You. Thank you for encouraging me with
those six
pounds, and keeping me on the program with lots of nudging. Show me how changing
my ways will help me
towards the goal. I commit my wandering
blood sugars to Your control, and
for all the doubts I have, I relinquish them
to Your control in faith that Your promises are true.
Stop the food tape, dear Lord, and make it
like the smoking tape, an occasional gentle reminder
of where I’ve been and
where You’ve brought me. In Jesus’ name,
I thank you ~ Amen.
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