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Slowly I Turn....

15 October 2011

If anyone were reading this, they’d assume that I’d given up altogether on the thought of losing weight and being obedient.  There have been moments I’ve considered doing that, but here I am, its Day 6, and I’m still moving right along.  It’s not easy, though, as my absence from this journal attests, but I’m hoping that as I gain a new confidence, I will write more frequently.

Progress so far:  It all began at the startling weight of 283.  It’s not that I’ve not been here before, I’ve been much further up the scale, but after enjoying a stable weight at 262 for a long time despite what I ate, the 20 lb gain is very disappointing.  My interim goal is 262 by the time I get back to Dr. Santos, and that gives me about a month, a daunting goal.  Today, I stepped on the scale and it told me 277.  Now, even in my strongest denial, I know that no one loses six pounds in six days, but one day of semifasting, my bout of intestinal distress yesterday and a lot of water loss may contribute to this.  I’m thankful, and it answers my prayers for immediate encouragement, but I’m realistic to know that this pace will not continue, at least not without a lot of whimpering and work.  But I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I’ll rejoice in the loss.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:  The beginning of a “diet” causes me to think about food all the time.  I think about past successes and failures, and I think about every last little thing that would be delicious on my tongue.  I’ve run through just about every excuse that I’ve made in the past to justify eating something that I shouldn’t.  This tape of food preoccupation has been running like a loop for the past six days.  I’m not sure when this stops, and in fact, I’m not sure that it ever does stop permanently.  When I quit smoking, the smoking tape ran only for a short while and now only runs infrequently when triggered by familiar scenarios.  When I “extreme” dieted many, many years ago, the food tape ran constantly until the end. New eating habits never became automatic, and it was a daily struggle for the nine months I dieted.  I was an even more disobedient, faithless person then, so I can only hope that my desire to be disobedient and faithful will allow me to stop the tape.  I can’t hope for permanent success until I can learn to stop the tape.

I realize the need to commit to exercise, and have all that I need to accomplish this – gym membership and home weights and bands.  This is needed both to regain some of the progress I’ve made in two courses of physical therapy, and to tone up my body as the weight comes off.  I’ve never been particularly disciplined in this, but I know it needs to be done.

It has been suggested to me by one of my sisters that taking regular measurements helps show progress and encourages as well.  I’ve never done that, and abhor the thought, but perhaps I’ll try that, too.  It’s fall, and it has gotten chilly in the house ~ the thought of shedding my clothes to accomplish this is daunting, but I guess I have to take off my clothes some time.  A tape measure in a convenient, logical location may be a good idea.

Fasting ~ now there’s an interesting topic. I never really understood the meaning or necessity of fasting from a spiritual point of view, and only began to think about it when I came to Armitage Baptist Church.  I researched it to determine in my own mind if it was of spiritual validity, and concluded that it was.  I began attempting fasting when we had the Wednesday prayer group, fasting for a partial day from the evening before to the conclusion of prayer, and then would eat a regular dinner (which to no surprise of any weight-battling woman became a dinner extravaganza to compensate for the sacrifice ~ just a little short of the concept).  I think my initial attempts were of the spirit being willing but the flesh weak, then became like the Pharisees for show, and finally evolved into a spiritually personal way of sharpening my awareness through sacrifice of the presence of the Holy Spirit, and the need for God in whatever burden I was carrying at the time.  This week, I successfully fasted from Wednesday evening through Thursday 10 PM to prepare for prayer Thursday night, and accomplished that without temptation or even stomach pains.  I even managed to make myself a small frozen dinner when I came home without binge compensating. Some would warn against fasting for a diabetic, and some would warn that fasting would actually slow the metabolism, but I am willing to separate the spiritual need from my nutritional needs, allowing for regular checking of blood sugars during the fasting period, and accepting the metabolism slowdown.  I’ll let God look after the rest.  

Observation for the week:  I do very well at the beginning of the day, coasting through breakfast to lunch fairly securely and rationally and most of all, obediently.  I’m checking my sugars regularly again, and praying that the level will drop as I progress.  Most of the time, I’m at 140 or below, but I need to make that all of the time.  By lunchtime, I’m already plotting my departure from this whole effort, and as the day turns to evening, I’m nearly frantic about it.  Last night, it came down to a single slice of bread with a dab of peanut butter at 8:30 to shut myself up.  I must mention, though, that I did escape the call to popcorn, pudding and raiding my son’s caches for candy bars and goodies.  I will pay careful attention to what is triggering this.

  

         *  Lord, help to see Your desire for my success at this, and to repent of my disobedience and   

             stubbornness.  I know that as You love me, You only desire the best for me.  Help me to clean up

             this temple and make it a pleasing dwelling place for You.  Thank you for encouraging me with 

             those six pounds, and keeping me on the program with lots of nudging.  Show me how changing 

             my ways will help me towards the goal.  I commit my wandering blood sugars to Your control, and 

             for all the doubts I have, I relinquish them to Your control in faith that Your promises are true.   

             Stop the food tape, dear Lord, and make it like the smoking tape, an occasional gentle reminder 

             of where I’ve been and where You’ve brought me.  In Jesus’ name, I thank you ~ Amen.

Beginning Again

12 October 2011

 Although I know that God never intended me to feel like I'm a mess, sometimes there is no denying that I do.  One look in the mirror testifies against any thoughts that I am becoming more holy or righteous simply by reading my devotions, becoming involved in a local church and plowing through the Bible in a year.  Living holy and righteous in Jesus requires me to strive to be like him.  I'm really good at learning about Him, but I'm really bad at taking on the action required to be like Him. 

I like to think of my weight issue as a symptom as well as evidence of my disobedient sin nature.  On the plus side, I've  had some success in identifying, confronting and working through other disobedient elements in my personality (i.e. successfully putting aside sinful sexual needs, cursing, smoking and alcohol) through God’s gentle patience and teaching, but for some reason, the eating problem has clung to me like my own skin.  So long has this struggle existed, that obesity has become an ordinary part of my life, not an exception or passing fancy.  My dress size has had an "X" attached to its number since childhood, and only briefly have I been able to rip that X off, only to find it back on with the slightest lifestyle challenge.

Do I want to lose weight?  You bet I do.  I've long ago given up the vision of wearing stylish clothes and having men follow my slinky body, but in my old age and new chapter of a mature life in Christ, the vision is now one of obedience. Its like unfinished business that He has waited long enough for me to attend to. I can think of all kinds of tools and tricks to accomplish this, but to make this a life-long change, like many of the other obstacles of disobedience I have overcome, there are no better tools than faithful prayer, submission of will and accountability to my sisters. God has gone before me in battle all the way, and He will go before me in this battle, too.

Why Do I Want to Do This?

1. My body appearance and eating habits do not glorify God and the Kingdom of Heaven.

2. Its expensive to live with these eating habits.  Fruits and vegetables may be expensive and require preparation, but imagine how much it costs to maintain a diet of take-out food and snacks on top of the every-day food I eat. At some point, I’d like to quantify that!

3. Its expensive and inconvenient to clothe this overblown body.  Even with the internet, I can’t purchase clothes for any occasion and have them available immediately, much less afford what I have to pay to have them.

4. My health is undeniably in the balance here.  The higher my weight, the harder it is to control diabetes, no matter how many sugars I eliminate.  Diabetes out of control can destroy what’s left of my good body function, send me back to the despair of blindness and mobility limitations and rob me of many years in God’s service and family life. Medications are expensive.

5. I am a bad example to my family and to those God sends to me to teach and disciple.

6. In my own mind, I am limited in what I can accomplish because of my weight.  My self-image is greatly impacted and has always been impacted by my excess weight.

7. I don’t fit in places I’d like to fit – it even impacts my working, my ability to sit comfortably, entertainment and recreation and even my driving. Do I really want to pay for an extra airline seat or cause the person next to me on the train or bus discomfort?

8. There is nothing like an obese, lumpy body to bring public opinion against oneself.  If you want to bring out the ill-directed humor and criticism inherent in most humans, just put that body on public display!

I saved 10 cents and 85 calories by having a one-egg omelet instead of two!

*     Lord, lead the way, I pray ~ the problem with seeing Your part in this is forgetting to look right in front of me where You stand at the ready.  Open my eyes so that I can see your plan and your solutions.  Humble my heart, Lord, so that I can relinquish control to you in areas where I feel so helpless.  Help me to let go of old habits, and let the decision to minister to my physical body be a decision to give you glory in the person you've created.  I'm ready, Lord, and sorry to have kept you waiting!