Ordering and Organizing...

You can’t integrate God into your life. Part of understanding God is understanding your need for God and the place that He must take in your life. I have often found myself juggling way too many things, often some of them church-related, and become exasperated at the thought of finding time to pray or read His word and get everything else done. And like the clown trying to spin too many plates on all those sticks, the plates…and all my plans….come spinning to the floor in a crash of broken pieces.

In order to realize God’s many benefits, He has to be given first place in our lives. He can’t be integrated in or scheduled amongst all our other things. The first commandment starts where we all must start:  You shall have no other gods before me (Exodus 20:3). Despite good intentions, my other gods become my work, family, church responsibilities, media distractions, excess napping and eating from boredom and downright avoidance of important things because they require too much effort and thought, and thus become overwhelming. Sure, I have a lot of responsibilities in all those areas, and some irresponsibilities, too, but is it any wonder that making God my priority seems impossible? When will I realize that if I pray about those big, complicated and overwhelming areas of my life and make meditation on God’s word my first priority, thus submitting them to God rather than abandoning them for activities birthed in anxiety, denial and boredom, I just might make some headway in my life that would benefit me, those I love and minister to and to the glory of God?

It starts with God...no other before Him. Help me, Oh Lord, to make You my priority, and that by giving You your rightful place in my life, others may see You clearly in all that I really will finally accomplish in Your name. Amen.

Lists....

I've always been a great one for lists ~ to-do lists, grocery lists, reminders, birthdays ~ I never met a list that didn't challenge me in some way.

Yesterday, I was doing my devotions yet I was feeling ordinary and unchanged, going through the motions. It bothered me in the newness of a new year that I wasn't feeling the refreshment of faith that I always associate with newness along with the usual diet and exercise mantra that begins with the annual turning point. I couldn't really put my finger on what was causing this lapse, and I was reminded of expressing gratitude as a kickstart to my spiritual well being. I was surprised at first how difficult it was to find things for my gratitude list. Of course, I was thankful for David's employment, an answer to prayer that had been ongoing throughout the previous year, my health which seemed steady and solid, and the year's personal financial stability that kept its strength regardless of our family employment status and world unsteadiness. And yet, there were so many prayers that seemed unanswered ~ my sons' salvation and submission to God, friends that were ill and not healed, some living in difficult social circumstances, broken personal relationships, my unresolved marital status ~ with so much unaddressed, my fleshly self was attaching unanswered prayer to my dwindling attitude of gratitude.

Yet, there was this list. I was looking for grandiose results to list, dramatic answers to prayer yet lacking that, it became apparent just how much in my life I had yet to surrender. I prayed that God would open my eyes to what was standing in the way of the thankfulness list and it became apparent that my problem was not located in my "gratitude attitude" but in my "surrender center."  The real problem was centered deep in my heart: Who was really in charge of my life, family, accomplishments, provisions and possessions? Oh Lord, release me from such selfishness!  Without You, none of what I am or what I have is worth anything. I may have worked hard to afford this or that and to gain favor with this one and that one, but without You....nothing.  My list of things to be thankful for could not progress unless I was willing to get myself out of the way of those things that mattered to me and how such things came to be.  I did not get there or get them because I worked hard or bargained better ~ all those things that really mattered were there because of God's grace...pure and simple, just as I am His daughter by His grace.

I accomplished my thankfulness list yesterday after some chastisement and repentance and would encourage anyone who feels spiritual dullness to take on the task. It may not be as easy as you might think, and may reveal to you some spiritual blockades you may have not realized you've been hiding behind. I pray God will change you as you take on the task and continue it throughout the year.

My list today?  God is my _____________.  Hum a few worship songs and you'll get a good start. Pray that God will reveal Himself to you and remind you of who He is and will always be to you. Now to find the verses that stand for those qualities. I'm on item 18 so far!

^{Isaiah 55:8, 9
8} “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.
⁹ “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts

As I was praying for unity in our women's leadership group meeting, I was thinking specifically of grumbling and complaining, something there seems to be no shortage of in our church. I am responsible for a fair amount of that myself, and after repenting of that before the Lord, I stopped to think about the root of our grumbling and complaining.

My first thought was that pride is often at the root, rearing its ugly head in the root of most sin.  Pride begins before we have full awareness of who we are, and grows as a "survival" tool of independence. We ride an unharnessed wave of pride through our lives until the point of our salvation when we are given the opportunity to live life through submission to the Lord through Jesus our savior. But pride, so deeply ingrained in the core of our being, follows us through life, a silent back-up plan when faith doesn't seem to be enough for us. My pride often gets the best of my resolve when my identity and group standing are most threatened. Keeping Proverbs 16:18 in mind, I pray that in recognizing the ultimate failure of a prideful struggle, I will rely on Him for my identify and worth which on their own, extracted from my lack of faith and fear of being less, can only lead to disappointment and failure.  To God be the glory for in Him I will know much greater things than I can know in myself.

Grumbling and complaining seem to correlate with inactivity and expectations without personal investment in a personal relationship with God. Although I know of no one who is totally free of complaining, I do see that those who have the loudest complaints seem to be those who are least invested in ministry and service.  Truly, those who are serving have first-hand issues to complain about, but it is the armchair servants that seem to have the loudest voices. Many will complain that there are no opportunities to serve and will profess their desire to "move and shake" the community for Jesus, but are nowhere to be seen when opportunities arise.  At the core of most successful movers and shakers is an idea given birth by prayer and a mature relationship with God carefully hewn through study and fellowship. These are the folks who through their faithful relationship to God, have great ideas that develop legs quickly and become a reality because they see the doors open for that idea through their intimate relationship with the Father.  The complainers will blame the ministry staff for not developing and financing programs of the church and old-timers in the church will reflect on glory days but fail to commit their discontent with changing times to the Lord.  Through stagnant, stalled relationships with God, the motivation to get things done is dampened by prideful ambition and a critical spirit, and the doors that lead to realized accomplishment remain invisible.

Worse yet is when those who complain the loudest without that deep godly relationship to back them up become engaged with new believers who stand on the threshold of their new relationship with God. Easily swayed and not yet invested in the fruit of that godly relationship, these new believers become the new generation of grumblers and complainers and many become disillusioned, disenfranchised and wander off to search for the "truth." The church loses new believers and potential servants, and those new believers may never see the fruit of their salvation as it becomes deeply entrenched in the cloudy gloom of complaints. Under the cloud, the truth may be lost to them forever.

Lord, help me keep my eyes and my heart fixed on you. Let the light of Your glory illuminate my path and lead me to the goals you set for me. Help me seek out Your voice every day in all situations and keep me from stumbling or wandering off on my own. Protect me from my own thoughts and my own tongue, and keep me out of the reach of other's complaints. Raise up strong leaders and disciplers in our church who will teach the value of an intimate relationship with You. Take all of us airchair complainers, forgive us and raise us up to your standards.  I love you, Lord, and want to be a humble, hardworking servant for you. Take my life, Lord, and use it for your kingdom.

Test this a test

and I'm pretty testy!

Adding more

Slowly I Turn....

15 October 2011

If anyone were reading this, they’d assume that I’d given up altogether on the thought of losing weight and being obedient.  There have been moments I’ve considered doing that, but here I am, its Day 6, and I’m still moving right along.  It’s not easy, though, as my absence from this journal attests, but I’m hoping that as I gain a new confidence, I will write more frequently.

Progress so far:  It all began at the startling weight of 283.  It’s not that I’ve not been here before, I’ve been much further up the scale, but after enjoying a stable weight at 262 for a long time despite what I ate, the 20 lb gain is very disappointing.  My interim goal is 262 by the time I get back to Dr. Santos, and that gives me about a month, a daunting goal.  Today, I stepped on the scale and it told me 277.  Now, even in my strongest denial, I know that no one loses six pounds in six days, but one day of semifasting, my bout of intestinal distress yesterday and a lot of water loss may contribute to this.  I’m thankful, and it answers my prayers for immediate encouragement, but I’m realistic to know that this pace will not continue, at least not without a lot of whimpering and work.  But I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I’ll rejoice in the loss.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:  The beginning of a “diet” causes me to think about food all the time.  I think about past successes and failures, and I think about every last little thing that would be delicious on my tongue.  I’ve run through just about every excuse that I’ve made in the past to justify eating something that I shouldn’t.  This tape of food preoccupation has been running like a loop for the past six days.  I’m not sure when this stops, and in fact, I’m not sure that it ever does stop permanently.  When I quit smoking, the smoking tape ran only for a short while and now only runs infrequently when triggered by familiar scenarios.  When I “extreme” dieted many, many years ago, the food tape ran constantly until the end. New eating habits never became automatic, and it was a daily struggle for the nine months I dieted.  I was an even more disobedient, faithless person then, so I can only hope that my desire to be disobedient and faithful will allow me to stop the tape.  I can’t hope for permanent success until I can learn to stop the tape.

I realize the need to commit to exercise, and have all that I need to accomplish this – gym membership and home weights and bands.  This is needed both to regain some of the progress I’ve made in two courses of physical therapy, and to tone up my body as the weight comes off.  I’ve never been particularly disciplined in this, but I know it needs to be done.

It has been suggested to me by one of my sisters that taking regular measurements helps show progress and encourages as well.  I’ve never done that, and abhor the thought, but perhaps I’ll try that, too.  It’s fall, and it has gotten chilly in the house ~ the thought of shedding my clothes to accomplish this is daunting, but I guess I have to take off my clothes some time.  A tape measure in a convenient, logical location may be a good idea.

Fasting ~ now there’s an interesting topic. I never really understood the meaning or necessity of fasting from a spiritual point of view, and only began to think about it when I came to Armitage Baptist Church.  I researched it to determine in my own mind if it was of spiritual validity, and concluded that it was.  I began attempting fasting when we had the Wednesday prayer group, fasting for a partial day from the evening before to the conclusion of prayer, and then would eat a regular dinner (which to no surprise of any weight-battling woman became a dinner extravaganza to compensate for the sacrifice ~ just a little short of the concept).  I think my initial attempts were of the spirit being willing but the flesh weak, then became like the Pharisees for show, and finally evolved into a spiritually personal way of sharpening my awareness through sacrifice of the presence of the Holy Spirit, and the need for God in whatever burden I was carrying at the time.  This week, I successfully fasted from Wednesday evening through Thursday 10 PM to prepare for prayer Thursday night, and accomplished that without temptation or even stomach pains.  I even managed to make myself a small frozen dinner when I came home without binge compensating. Some would warn against fasting for a diabetic, and some would warn that fasting would actually slow the metabolism, but I am willing to separate the spiritual need from my nutritional needs, allowing for regular checking of blood sugars during the fasting period, and accepting the metabolism slowdown.  I’ll let God look after the rest.  

Observation for the week:  I do very well at the beginning of the day, coasting through breakfast to lunch fairly securely and rationally and most of all, obediently.  I’m checking my sugars regularly again, and praying that the level will drop as I progress.  Most of the time, I’m at 140 or below, but I need to make that all of the time.  By lunchtime, I’m already plotting my departure from this whole effort, and as the day turns to evening, I’m nearly frantic about it.  Last night, it came down to a single slice of bread with a dab of peanut butter at 8:30 to shut myself up.  I must mention, though, that I did escape the call to popcorn, pudding and raiding my son’s caches for candy bars and goodies.  I will pay careful attention to what is triggering this.

  

         *  Lord, help to see Your desire for my success at this, and to repent of my disobedience and   

             stubbornness.  I know that as You love me, You only desire the best for me.  Help me to clean up

             this temple and make it a pleasing dwelling place for You.  Thank you for encouraging me with 

             those six pounds, and keeping me on the program with lots of nudging.  Show me how changing 

             my ways will help me towards the goal.  I commit my wandering blood sugars to Your control, and 

             for all the doubts I have, I relinquish them to Your control in faith that Your promises are true.   

             Stop the food tape, dear Lord, and make it like the smoking tape, an occasional gentle reminder 

             of where I’ve been and where You’ve brought me.  In Jesus’ name, I thank you ~ Amen.

Beginning Again

12 October 2011

 Although I know that God never intended me to feel like I'm a mess, sometimes there is no denying that I do.  One look in the mirror testifies against any thoughts that I am becoming more holy or righteous simply by reading my devotions, becoming involved in a local church and plowing through the Bible in a year.  Living holy and righteous in Jesus requires me to strive to be like him.  I'm really good at learning about Him, but I'm really bad at taking on the action required to be like Him. 

I like to think of my weight issue as a symptom as well as evidence of my disobedient sin nature.  On the plus side, I've  had some success in identifying, confronting and working through other disobedient elements in my personality (i.e. successfully putting aside sinful sexual needs, cursing, smoking and alcohol) through God’s gentle patience and teaching, but for some reason, the eating problem has clung to me like my own skin.  So long has this struggle existed, that obesity has become an ordinary part of my life, not an exception or passing fancy.  My dress size has had an "X" attached to its number since childhood, and only briefly have I been able to rip that X off, only to find it back on with the slightest lifestyle challenge.

Do I want to lose weight?  You bet I do.  I've long ago given up the vision of wearing stylish clothes and having men follow my slinky body, but in my old age and new chapter of a mature life in Christ, the vision is now one of obedience. Its like unfinished business that He has waited long enough for me to attend to. I can think of all kinds of tools and tricks to accomplish this, but to make this a life-long change, like many of the other obstacles of disobedience I have overcome, there are no better tools than faithful prayer, submission of will and accountability to my sisters. God has gone before me in battle all the way, and He will go before me in this battle, too.

Why Do I Want to Do This?

1. My body appearance and eating habits do not glorify God and the Kingdom of Heaven.

2. Its expensive to live with these eating habits.  Fruits and vegetables may be expensive and require preparation, but imagine how much it costs to maintain a diet of take-out food and snacks on top of the every-day food I eat. At some point, I’d like to quantify that!

3. Its expensive and inconvenient to clothe this overblown body.  Even with the internet, I can’t purchase clothes for any occasion and have them available immediately, much less afford what I have to pay to have them.

4. My health is undeniably in the balance here.  The higher my weight, the harder it is to control diabetes, no matter how many sugars I eliminate.  Diabetes out of control can destroy what’s left of my good body function, send me back to the despair of blindness and mobility limitations and rob me of many years in God’s service and family life. Medications are expensive.

5. I am a bad example to my family and to those God sends to me to teach and disciple.

6. In my own mind, I am limited in what I can accomplish because of my weight.  My self-image is greatly impacted and has always been impacted by my excess weight.

7. I don’t fit in places I’d like to fit – it even impacts my working, my ability to sit comfortably, entertainment and recreation and even my driving. Do I really want to pay for an extra airline seat or cause the person next to me on the train or bus discomfort?

8. There is nothing like an obese, lumpy body to bring public opinion against oneself.  If you want to bring out the ill-directed humor and criticism inherent in most humans, just put that body on public display!

I saved 10 cents and 85 calories by having a one-egg omelet instead of two!

*     Lord, lead the way, I pray ~ the problem with seeing Your part in this is forgetting to look right in front of me where You stand at the ready.  Open my eyes so that I can see your plan and your solutions.  Humble my heart, Lord, so that I can relinquish control to you in areas where I feel so helpless.  Help me to let go of old habits, and let the decision to minister to my physical body be a decision to give you glory in the person you've created.  I'm ready, Lord, and sorry to have kept you waiting!